I see a monster looking at me!
One woman's monster's another's
munster; don't let it bother you.
And in my dreams also I see
those people past who come to me.
Telling you what? Telling you we
could all see them - if only we...
could lift the scales that shroud our eyes
and then we'd see all other life.
Are we really up to it? To be able to see
all life & all lives, spread across eternity?
A girl I used to know believed she could
See many generations in one room.
No doubt she could; many see people
related to them & not, but real people.
She felt their presence in the room
But at the time I thought she was a loon.
Carolin could sense people in utero;
how much further back can one go?
I wanted to see back in time like my friend could
But somehow I don't think I properly understood.
It's believing that what you see is true;
don't dismiss it as delusional: it's for you.
But life after death is a difficult concept,
That is something I think you'll accept.
The eager dead asked Carolin to listen to
their life-stories, so she wrote them, too.
But how and why did they ask her?
There must have been something about her.
They spoke to her is all she ever said;
when & how, she never ever said.
Wow she was cool on so many levels
Why would she talk to mere mortals???
Some are mortals she really knew;
I'm one of them. What about you?
Oh I really hope one of them was me
And one day her again I will see
Carolin selected & befriended;
your friendship's never-ended.
i used to wonder why she picked me
I still don't know, but it always pleased me
She deliberately befriended you;
friends? She had so very few.
Yes, I ask myself what she looked for,
But should have asked her when she was there.
Many of her friends she made at work.
She met them easiest there, at work.
Well tell me the things she used to look for
In strangers she met who might become more.
She kept that to herself; I don't know.
Her choices were hers alone to know.
Oh Well, perhaps on some level I know
what made her on me friendship bestow.
That she did matters more than: Why you?
She did things you needed just for you.
Who did things for her while she helped others?
Or was that you, her mom and her brother?
She always got things sent from her mother
& some mechanical help from her brother.
I imagine everything else came from you
Or herself - she seemed self-sufficient enough for two.
She had the brain-power & inspiration;
I added my brawn & perspiration.
Yes she was exceptionally cerebral
But also very human and carnal
She was cerebral, but also carnal.
She was sensual, sexual, & carnal.
Yes I think so, she was sensual
In her own way, and intentional
Carnal craves sex, sensual, stroking.
(Carolin bravely gave up smoking.)
Carnal and sensual both, to me,
Refer not to spiritual, but bodily.
She was carnal from our beginning.
"He's like a steam engine" (I heard saying.)
Just because she was ultra-smart
Wouldn't mean she didn't have a heart!
She said our minds were off-the-chart,
aggregating me with her ultra-smart.
And where did you feel you fitted in that plan?
Ultra-smart or mere mortal man?
Co-immortal, with some brain,
but often an unfaithful swain.
But did you really feel as bright as her?
'Cos she was really very rare.
No, I didn't; she protected me
with her genius; she saved me.
Yes I can see just what you say-
She was in charge, liked things her way.
Her being in charge saved me,
or I wouldn't be alive today. Really.
I can't imagine anyone not liking
knowing Carolin - she was exciting!
to you, but to others she didn't
reveal her genius, or wouldn't.
Of talents, she had very many -
I feel very lucky that I saw any!
She displayed only those you
needed to know to help you.
Yet we must also now consider
That she was human, just much better!
She's more skilful than we are,
& helps us to progress further.
Yes I see where you're going with this,
Reincarnation leading to bliss.
Carolin's been with me for 2 lives
& I expect will be for more lives.
Did you know that or did she tell you,
Are you intuitive or did she help you?
I didn't know; she told me; I believe
we have more lives together to live.
I wonder how she knew these things,
She was an angel without wings.
Life after life, finishing whatever
needs finishing; maybe taking forever.
And like you said she's helping us
To write this, just as Carolin would!
because we need her help, she gives
it to us; for needful us, she still lives.
I have to say I like this plan!
So special was she that this is a paean.
I'm coming now to really appreciate her
by talking about her to you who knew her.
I feel the same, it widens my perspective.
You understood her - she was so perceptive
& so attentive to our many needs;
she saw to so many of our needs.
She still is doing exactly that,
Though HOW she does it isn't exact.
She does it because we all want it;
our desire opens channels for it.
But HOW she knows what we all want
Is quite beyond me at this point.
By communicating: connecting
continually, tuning, retuning.
Like a TV aerial or radar,
Cunningly attuned to each of our areas.
You & I are still tuned to Carolin
communicating with her, within.
Yes, she gives out quite a signal
And we tune in without any hassle.
Our small network is always
connecting us in subtle ways.
I wonder how many others see
that they too could do this for free
If they want it, they can do it.
But they must want it to do it.
That would seem to be very true -
if we want to connect w/her, we do!!
& she w/us, communicating by a POP
that's continually interactively up.
It's strange, I don't have it with anyone else
Who I've known - but it really helps.
Now you know, so open your eyes
to friendships that can span lives.
It has opened my eyes to this,
That other times exist for us.
& friendships lasting for lives as souls
progress, continually reaching goals.
I had never realised this before
So yet again Carolin helps us see more!
Carolin's lives are no smoky mirror,
they're lived in 4D HD color.
And generously she shares them with us
Always she is a leader amongst us.
A leader of children from an early age
& leader of friends from a mature age.
And still she teaches us and moves us forward
Helping us to learn, questions answered.
We want her to answer, so we
connect with her continually.
And each answer we are told
from her is worth its weight in gold.
I'm glad you feel so; much of what
she & I did is also becoming that.
Yes I can see how you miss your wife
Don't regret; wait for your next life.
I am, but the things we were doing
were peaking, so it's anguishing.
Yet this is how it's meant to be,
This plan is partly of her making you see.
By dying at such a promising point? If she
saw it coming, she certainly never told me.
And if she had told you, would you have understood?
Perhaps that's why she didn't, for your own good?
Sparing me what she knew was coming?
She thought her treatments were curing.
I meant that perhaps we choose in advance
Our lives - when they end - wthout a backward glance.
But if we choose from a higher plain
We might not recall the initial plan.
Spiritual advisors say we choose our lives
before we enter our bodies, but none
say we choose our deaths, because lives
are endless choices. Go ahead: make one.
Well I say she possibly could see it all
Set out before her, like a stall.
Minus the moment when she died,
knowable only once she'd died.
But does that really have to be true?
forseeing it doesn't mean she always knew
when it would end, even though she chose it
perhaps a greater power does always know it.
Prevenients are told never to tell anyone
their death-date; knowing their own death
would strain mental strength. If she lived with
knowing her own death, she never told anyone.
What I'm being led to write here is: whilst
a person might have once chosen it, their memory
of that date, chosen before their life, unknown
from birth, does not last their lifetime.
Carolin showed no memory of it. Very late,
she said she hadn't beaten the family curse:
father, mother & uncle Ralph all got cancer.
She saw it as an inescapable family fate.
Yes, I feel she would have had no recall,
As I said she may have chosen but that was all.
This is an arcane matter; few of us know
the truth of how we come & how we go.
But if anyone were to know the truth
It would be Carolin - she is the proof.
I want to believe that & so do you;
what matters now is what we do.
She really is a hard act to follow,
The easiest thing to do would be wallow.
But that would do no-one any good
She deserves much more, you know she does.
I realized that from our beginning; never
competing, we cooperated & will forever.
Something tells me this will continue
Yet you are lacking faith in the future.
Where'd you ever get that impression?
Finally I have a future I can count on.
The way that you seem to resent the fact
That she went when she did and left you intact.
I don't resent, I regret. She was taken by death
against her will & mine. My therapist asked me
why I can't get angry with her for her death.
How can I? She was taken away from me.
What is there to regret? She lived her life
From a place of strength and she loved - what more is there?
You might have wanted to be the first to go,
But that is selfish - her needs were hers to know.
Her unexpected death's what I regret.
It's taking me 4+ years to accept,
but my daughter tells me to accept
how many years we had together.
Again - what is there to regret? Your daughter's right -
Carolin would not have done the same - you need appetite.
What Carolin wouldn't do can't console me.
I now feel what may console me
is future lives with Carolin, serial-eternity
beyond what's pledged in marriage.
My pledge increases as I age.
Yet you give off the air of one who can't
Move forwards, because guilt will not you this grant.
What you call guilt, is actually commitment
to her writings I promised to see into print.
I disagree - I don't see that as guilt,
Just your attempt to see she is not forgotten.
But I owe her more than I've yet done; I'm looking
for any offers to publish her unpublished writing.
Could you self - publish? Would she not be pleased
Just to have her work out there (Or have you with that idea teased?)
I sent her last story "Island Time" to an AZ womens' publisher
who rejected it because she's dead; now to an S.F. publisher.
How about seeking funding from her friends
To go ahead and publish without strings.
That's 'vanity' publishing. She refused it.
I must find a legit. publisher for it.
And if no one is found to publish them
Would you just never publish them yourself?
Or would you be satisfied if you died still trying
To find a publisher who might want to take them?
I don't intend to let her works go unpublished;
one way or another they will get published.
I don't expect to die for another 10 yrs; I believe
my cardiologist gives me 10 more years to live.
Good luck - her writing always seemed so good
Others I'm sure will also share that view.
I'll report here whenever they do.
Wouldn't mean she didn't have a heart!
She said our minds were off-the-chart,
aggregating me with her ultra-smart.
And where did you feel you fitted in that plan?
Ultra-smart or mere mortal man?
Co-immortal, with some brain,
but often an unfaithful swain.
But did you really feel as bright as her?
'Cos she was really very rare.
No, I didn't; she protected me
with her genius; she saved me.
Yes I can see just what you say-
She was in charge, liked things her way.
Her being in charge saved me,
or I wouldn't be alive today. Really.
I can't imagine anyone not liking
knowing Carolin - she was exciting!
to you, but to others she didn't
reveal her genius, or wouldn't.
Of talents, she had very many -
I feel very lucky that I saw any!
She displayed only those you
needed to know to help you.
Yet we must also now consider
That she was human, just much better!
She's more skilful than we are,
& helps us to progress further.
Yes I see where you're going with this,
Reincarnation leading to bliss.
Carolin's been with me for 2 lives
& I expect will be for more lives.
Did you know that or did she tell you,
Are you intuitive or did she help you?
I didn't know; she told me; I believe
we have more lives together to live.
I wonder how she knew these things,
She was an angel without wings.
Life after life, finishing whatever
needs finishing; maybe taking forever.
And like you said she's helping us
To write this, just as Carolin would!
because we need her help, she gives
it to us; for needful us, she still lives.
I have to say I like this plan!
So special was she that this is a paean.
I'm coming now to really appreciate her
by talking about her to you who knew her.
I feel the same, it widens my perspective.
You understood her - she was so perceptive
& so attentive to our many needs;
she saw to so many of our needs.
She still is doing exactly that,
Though HOW she does it isn't exact.
She does it because we all want it;
our desire opens channels for it.
But HOW she knows what we all want
Is quite beyond me at this point.
By communicating: connecting
continually, tuning, retuning.
Like a TV aerial or radar,
Cunningly attuned to each of our areas.
You & I are still tuned to Carolin
communicating with her, within.
Yes, she gives out quite a signal
And we tune in without any hassle.
Our small network is always
connecting us in subtle ways.
I wonder how many others see
that they too could do this for free
If they want it, they can do it.
But they must want it to do it.
That would seem to be very true -
if we want to connect w/her, we do!!
& she w/us, communicating by a POP
that's continually interactively up.
It's strange, I don't have it with anyone else
Who I've known - but it really helps.
Now you know, so open your eyes
to friendships that can span lives.
It has opened my eyes to this,
That other times exist for us.
& friendships lasting for lives as souls
progress, continually reaching goals.
I had never realised this before
So yet again Carolin helps us see more!
Carolin's lives are no smoky mirror,
they're lived in 4D HD color.
And generously she shares them with us
Always she is a leader amongst us.
A leader of children from an early age
& leader of friends from a mature age.
And still she teaches us and moves us forward
Helping us to learn, questions answered.
We want her to answer, so we
connect with her continually.
And each answer we are told
from her is worth its weight in gold.
I'm glad you feel so; much of what
she & I did is also becoming that.
Yes I can see how you miss your wife
Don't regret; wait for your next life.
I am, but the things we were doing
were peaking, so it's anguishing.
Yet this is how it's meant to be,
This plan is partly of her making you see.
By dying at such a promising point? If she
saw it coming, she certainly never told me.
And if she had told you, would you have understood?
Perhaps that's why she didn't, for your own good?
Sparing me what she knew was coming?
She thought her treatments were curing.
I meant that perhaps we choose in advance
Our lives - when they end - wthout a backward glance.
But if we choose from a higher plain
We might not recall the initial plan.
Spiritual advisors say we choose our lives
before we enter our bodies, but none
say we choose our deaths, because lives
are endless choices. Go ahead: make one.
Well I say she possibly could see it all
Set out before her, like a stall.
Minus the moment when she died,
knowable only once she'd died.
But does that really have to be true?
forseeing it doesn't mean she always knew
when it would end, even though she chose it
perhaps a greater power does always know it.
Prevenients are told never to tell anyone
their death-date; knowing their own death
would strain mental strength. If she lived with
knowing her own death, she never told anyone.
What I'm being led to write here is: whilst
a person might have once chosen it, their memory
of that date, chosen before their life, unknown
from birth, does not last their lifetime.
Carolin showed no memory of it. Very late,
she said she hadn't beaten the family curse:
father, mother & uncle Ralph all got cancer.
She saw it as an inescapable family fate.
Yes, I feel she would have had no recall,
As I said she may have chosen but that was all.
This is an arcane matter; few of us know
the truth of how we come & how we go.
But if anyone were to know the truth
It would be Carolin - she is the proof.
I want to believe that & so do you;
what matters now is what we do.
She really is a hard act to follow,
The easiest thing to do would be wallow.
But that would do no-one any good
She deserves much more, you know she does.
I realized that from our beginning; never
competing, we cooperated & will forever.
Something tells me this will continue
Yet you are lacking faith in the future.
Where'd you ever get that impression?
Finally I have a future I can count on.
The way that you seem to resent the fact
That she went when she did and left you intact.
I don't resent, I regret. She was taken by death
against her will & mine. My therapist asked me
why I can't get angry with her for her death.
How can I? She was taken away from me.
What is there to regret? She lived her life
From a place of strength and she loved - what more is there?
You might have wanted to be the first to go,
But that is selfish - her needs were hers to know.
Her unexpected death's what I regret.
It's taking me 4+ years to accept,
but my daughter tells me to accept
how many years we had together.
Again - what is there to regret? Your daughter's right -
Carolin would not have done the same - you need appetite.
What Carolin wouldn't do can't console me.
I now feel what may console me
is future lives with Carolin, serial-eternity
beyond what's pledged in marriage.
My pledge increases as I age.
Yet you give off the air of one who can't
Move forwards, because guilt will not you this grant.
What you call guilt, is actually commitment
to her writings I promised to see into print.
I disagree - I don't see that as guilt,
Just your attempt to see she is not forgotten.
But I owe her more than I've yet done; I'm looking
for any offers to publish her unpublished writing.
Could you self - publish? Would she not be pleased
Just to have her work out there (Or have you with that idea teased?)
I sent her last story "Island Time" to an AZ womens' publisher
who rejected it because she's dead; now to an S.F. publisher.
How about seeking funding from her friends
To go ahead and publish without strings.
That's 'vanity' publishing. She refused it.
I must find a legit. publisher for it.
And if no one is found to publish them
Would you just never publish them yourself?
Or would you be satisfied if you died still trying
To find a publisher who might want to take them?
I don't intend to let her works go unpublished;
one way or another they will get published.
I don't expect to die for another 10 yrs; I believe
my cardiologist gives me 10 more years to live.
Good luck - her writing always seemed so good
Others I'm sure will also share that view.
I'll report here whenever they do.
